Tests

Follow these rules before you have children. These were funny!

Test 1
Women: to prepare for maternity,put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag
down the
front. Leave it there for 9months. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.

Men: to prepare for paternity,go to a local chemist, tip the contents of
your wallet onto the counter andtell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go
to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head
office. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

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Test 2
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of
discipline, lack of patience,appallingly low tolerance levels and how they
have allowed their children torun wild. Suggest ways in which they might
improve their child's sleepinghabits,toilet training, table manners and
overall behavior. Enjoy it. It willbe the last time in your life that you
will have all the answers.

MY PET PEEVE-Getting advice from those without kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As if?!

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Test 3

To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living roomfrom 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
approximately 4 - 6kg, with aradio turned to static (or some other obnoxious
sound) playing loudly.

2. At 10pm, put the bag down,set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12pm and walk thebag around the living room until 1am.

4.Set the alarm for 3am.

5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.

6.Go to bed at 2.45am.

7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.

9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.

10. Make breakfast.

Keep this up for 3 months.LOOK CHEERFUL.

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Test 4

Dressing small children is notas easy as it seems:

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hang out.

3. Time allowed for this: 5 minutes.

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Test 5

Forget the BMW and buy a practical 5 door wagon. And don't think that you
can leave it out on the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look
like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

2.. Leave it there.

3. Get a coin. Insert it into the cd player.

4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.

5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

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Test 6

Get ready to go out

1. Wait
2. Go out the front door
3. Come back in again
4. Go out
5. Come back in again
6. Go out again
7. Walk down the front path
8. Walk back up it
9. Walk down it again
10. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
11. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of
used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
12. Retrace your steps
13. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbors
come out and stare at you.
14. Give up and go back into the house.
15. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

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Test 7
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

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Test 8

Go to the local supermarket.Take with you the nearest thing you can find, to
a pre-school child. A full-grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have
more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your weeks groceries
without letting the goat(s) out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat
eats or destroys.

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Test 9

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the
swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap,making sure that a lot of it falls on the
floor.
7. You are now ready to feed a12-month old child.

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Test 10

Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Thomas the Tank Engine
and Disney.

Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

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Test 11

Can you stand the mess childrenmake? To find out:

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains

2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower beds and then rub them on clean walls.

4. Cover the stains with crayon.

5. How does that look?

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Test 12

Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mommy' repeatedly. Important: no more
than a 4second delay between each Mommy - occasional crescendo to the level
of asupersonic jet if required.

Play this tape in your car,everywhere you go for the next 4 years.You are
now ready to take a longtrip with a toddler.

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Test 13

Start talking to an adult of your choice.

Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirtsleeve while
playing the Mummy tape listed above.You are now ready to have a conversation
with an adult while there's a child in the room.

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Test 14

Put on your finest work attire.Pick a day on which you have an important
meeting. Now:

1. Take a cup of cream and add 1cup of lemon juice

2. Stir

3. Dump half of it on your shirt

4. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture

5. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel

6. Do not change, you have no time.

7. Go directly to work

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You are now ready to have kids.